Banner ads. The ugly billboards of the internet. Any visit to a website will guarantee you advertisements and offers you could probably care less about. However, it’s through this medium that the public have recently found themselves plagued by a squadron of scantily clad women begging you to save the Queen. In theory that doesn’t sound so bad but it’s not really as exciting as it seems.
The ads run for Civilization rip off “Evony” picture women in evening gowns that look more at home in a James Bond flick than they do in a game that supposedly has you building your own medieval society. Reportedly publisher “Evony LLC” plan on taking it a step further. In an e-mail intercepted by undercover GNSU reporters, we have learned that they plan on incorporating full on pornographic videos into their advertisements. We are not quite sure how they plan on doing this, nor are we even sure if this is legal (EDITOR’s NOTE: We are pretty sure this is not). After all, as much as some people would support it (EDITOR’S NOTE: most of you), you can’t have elves banging on family friendly video game sites.
Evony’s ads weren’t exactly family friendly to begin with and their business practices are questionable at best. In fact, there is not even a Queen. Yes, that impressive rack belongs to a model, not the woman crying for your help. (EDITOR’S NOTE: What else is new?) One may wonder if Evony LLC is up to more tricks. In the same e-mail Evony LLC also addressed several other concerns regarding their marketing procedures and company well being. Owner Peter Richards states: “We have reached 9 million users! I can barely believe it. We have to take quick action to accomodate our small country of a playerbase. We need to make sure our hundreds of servers are up to date. Scott Andrews in our US branch’s IT wing has already made sure to contact the appropriate companies to get us the best hardware possible. Now is an exciting time. Keep your eyes peeled for more updates soon from yours truly.”
Richard’s boastful statement provoked a curiosity in GNSU’s news rooms and pushed is to further investigate Evony LLC. In further e-mails from Richards to his advisory team he makes mention of (in his own words) “a totally sweet budget.” However, a pie chart included in the e-mail reveals a supposed budget of “a gazillion dollars and a powerbike.” The budget report wasn’t the only statement that raised brows over Richards’s mindset. In e-mails sent to his person advisory board he casually discusses dinner plans with them. “Hey kids, just want ya’ll to know I’m gonna throw a bangin dinner party a couple weeks before Christmas. Be sure to dress up in your fanciest dress because it’s gonna be real nice! This is to celebrate all the hard work we’ve done and all of money we’ve made over the past couple of years. Bill Gates better watch his sweet ass!” While that may not seem out of the ordinary, he goes into great detail about directions and procedures upon entering his “castle”. As much as I want to believe it’s a metaphor one can only wonder if Richards feels that way.
Founder Peter Richards. We're not sure if that's a real goatee or pudding.
Furthermore Richards also makes several references to his “powerbike” and how “sick” his “powerbike” is. Included in the e-mail was a photo of Richards standing next to a powerwheels vehicle, neither a bike nor powerful. Also of interest was the home pictured behind Richards was not a “fancy bastard of a mansion in some bigass green fields” as he refers to in his e-mails but a modest home in the suburbs. When one takes a gander at the Evony ads littering the internet, one might say “There is a method to the madness” – but in Evony’s case it would appear there is just madness.
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