Good News: Shut Up!

Here at GNSU we like to find creative ways to entertain ourselves when we’re not finding the latest information on your favorite (or least favorite) games.  So I decided to take a crack at making up a TF2 Heavy kidrobot Munny.

What are munnys?  They appear to be the former meathusks of alien babies sent to us to paint with glorious acrylics and make into our own earth trophies!

I purchased some supplies to paint my small alien child and make him into the angry Russian man he ought to be.

BABIES!!

His head is HUGE. It is like a tiny giant babyhead.

I then began to paint the small alien child.  Thank God it was dead because it would be really creepy painting it if the thing were alive.

A big jump from the other picture but let's be honest, he looked weird naked.

I discovered that you do not need a primer for painting acrylic onto vinyl!   I was aware of this heading in but some idiot on the internet recommended doing it anyway.  Do not listen to idiots on the internet.  It is so much easier without the primer!

I was super excited! This was only two days in (I am very busy!!!!)

Okay, now we add a beard and a vest. So exciting!

Nearing completion I get very excited and decide to have several beers.  Horrible antics ensue and I  decide against documenting this portion of the process.  Moving right along…

Add some details and...

IT IS DONE.  I still need to figure out how to fashion him a little Natascha but I think he’s pretty cool for the time being.  Sorry for any aliens we offended in the making of this TF2 Heavy.

Following  news that China is shutting down World of Warcraft due to “gross violations of Chinese law”, North Korea has announced that they will also shut down World of Warcraft.  This is a rather curious statement seeing as there is no WoW in North Korea. Kim Jong-il, or Dear Leader as he is known in his home country and in the online world (with “Killa Crew” after his name), had this to say:

“After a recent visit to China, I have come to the conclusion as to what is best for our homeland.  I will not allow other world leaders to pressure me and tell me what games are best for us to play.

On his way to an Aion fan meet

We oppose the recreational policies of the United States of America but we do not oppose the American players.  We have many good alliances in the United States.  I must take a firm stance and let the world know that North Korea is also a world power.  I also really like Aion.”

Aside from his brief speech this morning, Kim Jong-il could not be reached for further comments.  A spokesperson for the “Dear Leader” gave the following statement:

“It’s no secret our leader is opposed to letting his people play World of Warcraft.  Representatives from Blizzard have refused to meet our demands of erecting a statue of our Dear Leader in game.  It is with that in mind that he could not possibly allow his people to suffer through the hardships of level grinding without simultaneously paying homage to their role model and spiritual guide.  Please buy Aion instead.”

Despite an obvious objection to World of Warcraft (which Kim Jong-il has been quoted as describing “products of capitalist influence in the working class movement. And they are a poison that destroys our Party and the working class movement in Korea.”) it is not expected that these statements will impact any sales of the game.  It is suspected that most of this is a ruse for Kim Jong-il to test nuclear weapons in Azeroth.

In other news, sales of Aion have dropped dramatically following the North Korean leader’s fierce endorsement as shown below in these national ad campaigns:

From posters plastered on government buildings

Aion: The Tower of Eternity and the good of North Korea

Photographic evidence suggests Kim Jong-il purchased a motion capture suit in hopes of incorporating his image into the game

Ayman al-Zawahiri declares jihad on western gamers in his latest video.

In a recent video issued to Al Jazeera, Al Qaeda has claimed responsibility for the horrifying attack in an airport in the upcoming video game, Modern Warfare 2. Ayman al-Zawahiri, one of the leaders of the terrorist organization, is seen in the video professing the attack as retaliation for the defeat of the unnamed Middle Eastern country from the first Modern Warfare. “Western intervention into the affairs of Muslims knows no bounds, and they hound us into the digital world,” alledges al-Zawahiri. “It is up to us to respond in kind, and defend our cyber bretheren.”

Presiden Kotick gears up to defend his other franchises from Al Qaeda.

Handicam footage of the horrfying event was leaked onto the internet days ago,  quickly being DMCA’d wherever it is uploaded by the legal team at Activision.  While Activision claimed to be removing the videos to limit the backlash,  their determination to remove all traces of it so quickly lead many skeptics to believe that the attack to be an inside job by Activision.  Bobby Kotick, president and CEO of Activision, defended the company and its property, stating, “The developers at Infinity Ward are working day and night on this issue. We have been unable to remove the offending scene from the finished product, but have been able to make it a skippable event.” He went further, pledging to personally combat terrorism in any way he can. His hardline stance has boosted his popularity as president of Activision, after suffering recent public relation snafus with the gaming public. It is still unknown how Al Qaeda implanted the level into the game in the first place.

These moves do not go far enough for Australia, however.   They are looking at ways to bump the rating for Modern Warfare 2 to 18+, essentially banning the game from the country, fearing a virtual attack on their own civillians. Other countries have not followed suit, choosing to listen to President Kotick’s rhetoric. “If you do not allow Modern Warfare 2 into your homes, the terrorists have won. It’s that simple.”

More like the battle of huge foreheads and receding hairlines

Quite recently it’s been announced that American McGee is working on a sequel to his SMASH HIT game “Alice” – I’m sorry, “American McGee’s Alice” (because he is important even though nobody knows who the hell he is!).  Normally this sort of news wouldn’t really warrant mention because nobody really remembers it all that well anyway, however the news broke while promotions have been going on for Tim Burton’s completely zany new movie “Alice in Wonderland.”

So what’s the fuss?

It’s simple: how the fuck is is Hot Topic going to manage all of these?  This is going to incur riots – we’re talking LA in terms of magnitude.  Mall goth kids and “emos” everywhere will be confused.  Lines will be drawn and teams will be formed.

Naturally, Tim Burton has the advantage.  In his corner he has Johnny “I’m always Jack fucking Sparrow” Depp and Danny “I really love xylophones, guys” Elfman and some other people like his wife and shit.  On the other hand, American McGee has an army of small chinese children coding his game as well as the fact that his vision of Alice is actually somewhat dark compared to Burton who well… just hams it up for the slit your wrist demographic.

While Tim Burton’s vision hasn’t been interesting since Big Fish, he still has all of Hollywood behind him.  Like most mainstream products these days he doesn’t really need to push hard to get noticed with this – American McGee has his work cut out for him.  Hopefully McGee comes up with an interesting plot because that is one thing that will work to his advantage.  The plot lines of both Burton’s upcoming film and McGee’s first Alice Game are nothing new.   The main idea of both reminds me a great deal of “Return To Oz” which had the right idea years ago.

The only thing Burton could really do to impress me is to have Alice flying on the Jabberwock attacking a giant Cheshire Cat played by Gary Busey.  You want that cat to scare the shit out of kids? Put Busey’s goddamn face on it.  That will sell tickets, guaranteed.

We told you it was horrifying.

Maybe make Tommy Chong the caterpillar and Eddie Izzard the Queen of Hearts (or, if we’re going with the original Disney verison, then Roseanne Barr) and you’ve got yourself a winner.  Ditch Danny Elfman too, get John Williams up in this.  Burton is well past his prime it looks like.

Oh yeah, I forgot American McGee.  I don’t know, make something playable maybe?

In the end, I don’t care who wins because in the end, nobody does. Well, except for Hot Topic who is going to make a killing on all of this “dark fairy tale” bullshit.  The only thing that could make any of this worse is if Burton started making dark Will Ferrel movies.

We made it to week 2.  Sounding much more like a legit podcast and a lot less like we were prank calling people in elementary school, we bring you the GNSU Report #2 with special guest Brian Frobel.  This weeks topics include Borderland impressions, Left 4 Dead 2 demo impressions, Brutal Legend, Twilight, why Brian is a terrible dad and more!  Click the image above to check us out or look us up on itunes by clicking here.

More news to come later!

A great tactic for survivors is to surround zombies to confuse them!

Contrary to other reports, the Left for Dead 2 demo was released on time by Valve to the delight of many preorder customers. All “nerd rage” is simply in spirits with Valve tradition. It’d be a dark and horrible omen if this demo were released on time by our mundane standards.

For those not in the know on this franchise, Left 4 Dead 2 is a co-op first person shooter based on the hit movie 28 Weeks Later, about 4 survivors combatting Rage infected zombies in New Orleans.

Valve has broken their longtime stance against using blatant sexuality in their games in order to truly create a realistic and immersive New Orleans. Boomers now come in a female variety with delicious booty jiggle physics, and the Spitter, the new gal on the block, parades around the streets proudly showing off full cleavage and a thong pulled just high enough to entice a lonely male gamer. Both of these gals harness the power of bulemia to assail the survivors with terrifying results. Ladies to the series won’t be disappointed as many of the regular infected barrel down onto the survivors in muscular, shirtless masses. The amount of infected hungering for the supple flesh of the living is staggaring as Valve really worked on optimizing the engine. Waves charge and are gibbed like tasty gushers (www.gushers.com a wonderful candy treat with a fruity center that explodes into your mouth when you bite down!) with no slow down on the engine.

The new special infected are more than worthy additions to the enemy team. The afforementioned Spitter does mindboggling damage against campers, and the ludicrously quick Charger more than lives up to his name, picking off single survivor and taking them to Curb Slam University. I’d like to take a moment to talk about the Jockey however. I seriously need to talk about the goddamn jockey.

Bullets disappear in there and never come out.

The Jockey is a female infected that, in the spirit of the hyper sexualized New Orleans that Valve has created for us, rides the face of whichever survivor she manages to wrap her cold dead legs around. One moment you’re fighting some infected, pretty relaxed and just letting loose a spray of pellets into a crowd. The next you see a screaming wretch flying cootch first at the screen, about to enshroud you in absolute darkness. Despite the lighting in the game, between her legs is a dark void where light cannot penetrate, and as long as she rides your face she will control you. You can try to resist her influence but it is futile. Without the help of your teammates, she will control the rest of your life. A pretty harsh criticism of women in general, but I suppose if I were going to die in a zombie apocalypse this is the way I’d want to go.

Our heroes this round include a mechanic, a gambler, a coach named Coach, and a Depeche Mode fan. Not much is known about them yet, and the demo really doesn’t reveal too much. Come the release of the megapatch to this demo which will include 5 full campaigns, their stories and personalities will likely be fleshed out more completely.

The zombies are all clamoring for the attention of rock superstar Randy Jackson. Or so Coach would have them believe!

In the original Left 4 Dead, many gamers lamented about the four playable characters each essentially being the same when played despite wildly varying characteristics to each of them. These complaints have been heeded and a small preview of things to come has been included with the demo. Coach is the only such character in the demo to have an ability, which can only be activated when he is equipped with an electric guitar. Using the button usually reserved for zoom, he has the ability to do a mean Randy Jackson impersonation, attracting the horde to his rockstar persona. It’s an amazing ability to save an injured and swarmed player. Mum’s the word on the other special abilities but I, for one, am extremely excited.

The demo’s out for everyone next week and I recommend looking for a game to chill to with pals to give it a shot. The demo is free ($0.00 USD).

"God DAMN I am addicted to crack." - James, upon seeing this image of the Spitter.

BREAKING NEWS

The demo for Left 4 Dead 2, which was scheduled to be opened to all pre-orders today at 1:00 PM PST will now instead be opened at 10:00 PM PST. While this is not out of the ordinary for Valve, it has caused an alarming reaction in the gaming community.

Observe:

Most users expressed frustration over the incident with responses typical to the 13-35 “stay in basement” demographic:

While others expressed confusion:

And while we have the reassurance of authoritative figures:

Some just couldn’t handle the news:

More on this as it develops

Banner ads. The ugly billboards of the internet. Any visit to a website will guarantee you advertisements and offers you could probably care less about. However, it’s through this medium that the public have recently found themselves plagued by a squadron of scantily clad women begging you to save the Queen. In theory that doesn’t sound so bad but it’s not really as exciting as it seems.

The ads run for Civilization rip off “Evony” picture women in evening gowns that look more at home in a James Bond flick than they do in a game that supposedly has you building your own medieval society. Reportedly publisher “Evony LLC” plan on taking it a step further. In an e-mail intercepted by undercover GNSU reporters, we have learned that they plan on incorporating full on pornographic videos into their advertisements. We are not quite sure how they plan on doing this, nor are we even sure if this is legal (EDITOR’s NOTE: We are pretty sure this is not). After all, as much as some people would support it (EDITOR’S NOTE: most of you), you can’t have elves banging on family friendly video game sites.

Evony’s ads weren’t exactly family friendly to begin with and their business practices are questionable at best. In fact, there is not even a Queen. Yes, that impressive rack belongs to a model, not the woman crying for your help. (EDITOR’S NOTE: What else is new?) One may wonder if Evony LLC is up to more tricks. In the same e-mail Evony LLC also addressed several other concerns regarding their marketing procedures and company well being. Owner Peter Richards states: “We have reached 9 million users! I can barely believe it. We have to take quick action to accomodate our small country of a playerbase. We need to make sure our hundreds of servers are up to date. Scott Andrews in our US branch’s IT wing has already made sure to contact the appropriate companies to get us the best hardware possible. Now is an exciting time. Keep your eyes peeled for more updates soon from yours truly.”

Richard’s boastful statement provoked a curiosity in GNSU’s news rooms and pushed is to further investigate Evony LLC. In further e-mails from Richards to his advisory team he makes mention of (in his own words) “a totally sweet budget.” However, a pie chart included in the e-mail reveals a supposed budget of “a gazillion dollars and a powerbike.” The budget report wasn’t the only statement that raised brows over Richards’s mindset. In e-mails sent to his person advisory board he casually discusses dinner plans with them. “Hey kids, just want ya’ll to know I’m gonna throw a bangin dinner party a couple weeks before Christmas. Be sure to dress up in your fanciest dress because it’s gonna be real nice! This is to celebrate all the hard work we’ve done and all of money we’ve made over the past couple of years. Bill Gates better watch his sweet ass!” While that may not seem out of the ordinary, he goes into great detail about directions and procedures upon entering his “castle”. As much as I want to believe it’s a metaphor one can only wonder if Richards feels that way.

Founder Peter Richards. We're not sure if that's a real goatee or pudding.

Furthermore Richards also makes several references to his “powerbike” and how “sick” his “powerbike” is. Included in the e-mail was a photo of Richards standing next to a powerwheels vehicle, neither a bike nor powerful. Also of interest was the home pictured behind Richards was not a “fancy bastard of a mansion in some bigass green fields” as he refers to in his e-mails but a modest home in the suburbs. When one takes a gander at the Evony ads littering the internet, one might say “There is a method to the madness” – but in Evony’s case it would appear there is just madness.

This is our podcast logo!!!

Dear Internet,
We wanted to kindly invite you to attend the first Podcast in GNSU history. You can listen in to the first GNSU Report by clicking Here. Just like your first highschool dance it’s anxiety ridden and boner inducing but we still need to get the hang of things. This weeks topics include our site, zombies, “This is Vegas” and Andrew WK.

We have submitted our podcast to iTunes so for those of you looking for a simpler way to tune in, it will be available soon.

In the meantime brighten up your Monday a bit, grab a can of wine and pull up a chair. This is The Good News Shut Up Report #1.
Love,
James and Arien